Nahuhulog ako sa isang matarik na bangin. Wala akong magawa kundi hintayin kung kelan babagsak ang katawan ko sa lupa. Wala rin akong magawa sa pag agos ng luha sa aking mga mata habang bawat patak ay hinihipan ng hangin papalayo sa aking mukha...

Hanggang hindi ko na maaninag ang liwanag, hindi ko na marinig ang ingay, wala na akong ibang maramdaman kundi ang sakit na bumabalot sa aking katawan...at sa aking buong pagkatao.

***
Nagising na lang ako sa ospital. Andun ang ate ko at si Mike kausap ang doctor na siyang nag attend sa akin ng isugod ako kagabi ng mga barkada kong matatawag.

"Anu na naman drama mo Jose? If you don't care about yourself at least think of the people na namumuroblema para sa'yo! Next time kung gusto mo magpakamatay siguraduhin mo na di ka mimintis! My God! If Mom and Dad would know this..."

"But they don't and I'm pretty sure they don't even care. Tsaka walang nag-utos sa'yo na mamrublema ka sa buhay ng may buhay."

"I don't believe you!"

Sabay walk-out. Ganun kami ng kapatid ko di yata lilipas ang isang araw ng di kami nagsasagutan. Bukas alam ko ok na Yun. Ganun naman kami. Pero pasalamat pa rin ako sa utol ko na yun kasi hindi sya ung tipo na nang-iiwan. Di tulad ng ibang tao sa buhay ko.

"Ok ka na ba?"

Si Mike. Bestfrend ko since highschool. Parang half brother ko narin. Kahit papano pag kailangan lagi sya handang tumulong.

"Sesermunan mo rin ba ako?"

"As if naman tatalab sa'yo ang sermon!" "Pero lupit mo pre naka consume ka ng ganung karaming gramo ng "E". Pasalamat ka masamang damo ka. Ilang oras ka sa emergency room habang dine drain un out of your body" " Di ka man lang nagtira. Swapang!"

Kahit paano gumaan pakiramdam ko.

(mahabang katahimikan)

"Seph alam ko hanggang ngayon...."

"Mike please ayokong pagusapan yan ngayon. Pagod nako matutulog na muna ako."

"Ok. Andito lang kami ni Steph pag may kailangan ka."

---Dilim uli---

Overlapping images.

"Seph sa 2nd year anniversary natin gusto ko Boracay uli tayo!"

"Cream yun" "Off-white" "Cream" "Off-white nga eh" "Cream! Cream! Cream" "Ah ganun ah!" "Hahahahaha"

"Why what's wrong with Regine? Idol ko kaya yun! Sige kung ayaw mong manuod ako na lang."

"I love you Joseph"
"I love you too Lawrence"

(Loud screeching of a car)

SSSSSSScccccccccrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeccccccccchhhhhhhhhh!

This is just one of those nights that I dreamt of Lawrence. Magigising ako sa katotohanan na wala na siya. Pero iba ngayong gabi. Sumadsad na ako sa pinakailalim. Pakiramdam ko wala na akong ibang magawa kundi sumuko sa kalungkutan at pagiisa. Naramdaman ko na lang na umaagos na ang luha mula sa aking mga mata...subalit ang katawan ko'y waring wala nang buhay.

"Kung nakikita ka man ngayon ni Lawrence I'm sure sasama loob nun sa'yo"

(Si mike pala. Kasama ko sa loob ng room na yun)

"Hanggang kailan mo ba parurusahan ang sarili mo? Alam mong aksidente ang pagkamatay niya. Hindi nya magugustuhan na nagkakanagito ka. Let go Joseph! Life will continue wether you like it or not. Umayos ka!"

"Masakit Mike! Ang sakit!"

"Ssshhh. Cge lang iiyak mo."

Six months after the incident:

Voicemail: "Seph this is Mike. Don't forget tonight sa dati. I invited some of our college friends....You know I am very happy of the way things are going with you now...Steph also noticed. Sana magtuloy-tuloy na....Anyways again mamaya 7pm sharp! Dont be late!"

For the very first time in almost two years my mind is clear. Kasing linaw ng salamin na tinitingnan ko ngayon. I found my purpose again. His name is Andrew. We met at an opening of bar at Ortigas owned by one of Mike's friend. He manage to get me agreed to come. I saw him at a corner, quite aloof, almost out of place. I can sense he is uncomfortable being in that place. When i saw him i knew i can't let this moment pass without knowing him. I was drawn and i immediatly made my moves. I asked if he wants a smoke and invited him on the veranda, outside all the noise and crowd. He agreed. That was the start...

He's a doctor in one of the most prominent hospitals here in Manila. Cute, thoughtful, if you'd look at him your first impression might be "he's kinda nerdy looking guy" but when you look at him closer you'd know that he is hot. Which is what i want. Gusto ko yung may pagka-mysterious, yung malalim, at may pagka-old fashioned.He's aiming for a promotion to be the director of the hospital. Galante sya. Magaling sa kama. But.......The big but is "He's married.....with a 6yr old daughter".

Yes i am an other "man" in his life, Kabit, Querida, Kulasisi. But i don't mind. I have never felt strongly about other guys other than Lawrence before and with Andrew I am willing to take all the blame. I dont care. To hell with everyone's opinion! Because of his situation we have to discreetly hide our affair. I know i wasnt the first guy to be with him. He has been into other relationship with other guys before. He told me all of this and said that i was the one he's been missing his whole life. I choose to believe it...because i feel that he really does love me.

We have been together for 3 months now. It has been sailing smoothly until one time he was involved in a scandal in the hospital. Apparently someone posted a lurid video of him and one of his male intern in the net. It spread like rumor and before he knew it he was cut out of the promotion. I was there with him when he cried. I held him in my arms and said everything will be alright. I was there to understand when nobody would. He was dear to me! But it does'nt stopped there. A week ago he went home only to arrive at his wife looking at his pictures under uncompromising situation. It lead to his wife and his daughter walking out of the house and out of his life. I should be happy but i can't. Once again all i can do is be with him. "Andito lang ako everytime na kailangan mo ko". "Hindi kita iiwan!". I never wanna let him out of my arms.

Today i beleive he manage to accept everything and finally tried to move on. He invited me to dinner. He said he prepared something special. A token of appreciation for being there with him all this time.

Finally I'm here atop of the hospital he was working with. I know he must have setup a romantic date here pero wala ako makita. No lights, no violins, no tables. Kinabahan ako.

"Hello darling! Not what you expected huh?!" Behind me there's Andrew with a gun in his hand "Are you happy now?" "Is there anything else you wanted to do?"

"Andrew ano to? What are you talking about?" Before i knew it i heard a loud shot and bump on my shoulder. He shot me.

Andrew look like a mad man now. His eyes now full of hate and something i cant even try to imagine. He asked; "Why?"

I managed to stand. I won't be defeated like this. Not when i have come this far in ruining his life!

"You want to know why? You want to know why Andrew!!!????" " Because your a goddamn killer! I have been meaning to tell you this. You are a big son of a bitch! You took my life and my happiness. You killed me even before you met me!"

"What are you talking about?"------

---" I'm talking about Lawrence Mendoza!"

I saw the realization in his face.

"I have waited to see you defeated Andrew. I have been dreaming of this moment to see you as a shit! Yes i was the one who posted that video and i was the one who sent those pictures to your wife. Was i that good that you did'nt noticed? Even if you kill me tonight it doesnt matter, I was dead long time ago!"

There was along silence. I am just waiting for his verdict. I am prepared.

Andrew in his cracked voice said; "....but I Loved You...."

I smiled to realize that i was getting my final victory. "...but i did'nt. I hated you, i hate you....i will for the rest of my life"

There goes my homerun!

I was bowed headed. Dinig ko ang hampas ng hangin sa tenga ko. Nagbabadya ng katapusan. Tanggap ko. Ang hanging ito ang magtatangay sa akin papunta kay Lawrence.

"Sorry."

Iyun ang huli kong narinig bago nya tuluyang hinila ang gatilyo. Pero ang bala nagmintis sa akin. Idiniretso nya iyon sa kanyang puso! Kita ng dalawang mata ko ang mga luha nya baga syo tuluyang bumagsak pababa ng gusaling iyon. Kilala ko ang luhang iyon, ganun din ang luha ko ng mapagtanto kong wala na si Lawrence. Na hindi na sya magiging akin muli hanggat ako'y nabubuhay. Ang luhang iyon ang luha ng labis na pagmamahal, ang luha na kayang ipagkanulo ang sariling pagkatao para sa taong minamahal.

Bigla akong natauhan. Hindi ko na naririnig ang hangin!

Epilogue:

Suicide due to advance Schizotypy. I manage to get home that night with bandage on my shoulder. Apparently i was a victim who tried to stop the criminal.

There goes my reason for having Andrew in my life. A reason meant to avenge another reason. And now i am left with wide open space my my mind...and in my heart.

The telephone rings and eventually connects to voicemail.

Mike: "Seph Where have you been. I waited for you!"

END